I usually type my blog entries in Word & post them on the internet when we have power. When I open the Word document the first blog entry I see starts with this sentence;
“Well, I think I’ve finally made it through the “survival stage”.”
Every time I read that sentence I’m struck at the naivenness of it. I have been straddling the line of survival since I got here. There have been several times where I felt like I’ve broken through & moved onto another stage but weeks, days, hours or even minutes later, I am tossed back over the line with my head hanging low.
A group left Sunday morning & since then I’ve spent most of my time napping & catching up on some housecleaning. The down time has got me thinking… is my hamster-wheel really that different than yours? Or the old wheel I was on in Canada? We are all experience different challenges but really, isn’t the overwhelmingness of it, caused by the same thing… what is your motivation for doing what you’re doing?
I have been a “people pleaser” my whole life & I’m no different here. But what is different here is my success with making people happy. I’m realizing that there will always be people here who feel threatened by me or misinterpret my purpose for being here. I have been struggling with this the last few weeks but I’ll relapse into being naïve & say that I think I’m climbing out of it. If you would have asked me last month why I was here, I would have told you I was here because I love the kids & I want to help them develop into successful people. That’s not a lie but it’s not really the truth either. I would have told you that because I was sugar-coating the truth because I know many of you (friends, family, etc) would think I’ve gone over the edge if I told you the truth. The truth is that the only reason I am here is because God has led me here. He is my motivation for doing what I’m doing & He is the only one I need to worry about pleasing. He has asked me to come here knowing my faults, and despite my weaknesses He can use me. My ability to “survive” & every now and again cross the line into “thriving” is His doing & all the glory is His.
I’m sure many of you are reading this & thinking; “Hmm, I knew becoming a “missionary” would change her.” Maybe you’re right. But think about it… What is your motivation for doing what you’re doing? Why are you always stressed? Why can’t you sleep? Why do you feel that your best is never good enough? If you’ve created a need to succeed based on pleasing yourself or those around you, can you really live up to that? Will you ever succeed? Huge questions, I know. But wouldn’t you rather spend some time thinking about them now, instead of waiting until you’ve wasted most of your energy on the wheel?
I have lots of stuff to update but every time I start to write something that sentence (Well, I think I’ve finally made it through the “survival stage”.) stumps me. So now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I’ll update you with the fun stuff over the next few days.